Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Falling up

Someone once asked me to come up with a series of anecdotes or a couple paragraphs on what it means to be a celebrity.... i sometimes wonder about that. Not that i lose any fuckin sleep over it, but from time to time i stop to think about it for a second.

The term celebrity is clearly defined as a famous or well-known person basicly, but i think the word takes on alternate meanings to others, for me... it just means pressure. Every now and again i keep having these moments where im sitting back and thinking like i used to think back when i was a teenager, and looking back on it, i was never really under any abnormal pressure from anything other than the obvious "what am i going to do when i get older, how am i going to get through school, when am i going to move out of the house...."  I didnt have some idea glued on my brain that i was going to become a musician, that was just my hobby. So, the pressure wasnt really anything out of the ordinary... still stressful at times nonetheless tho, but everybody gets that.

Things started to get a little scarier when i left my home in Niagara Falls to head up to Toronto and work for an IT company... as it should have anyway. My first apartment, so the pressure was doing well at work and making rent. I kinda blindly went into it really, learning my responsibilities as an "adult" on the fly... we all know they don't offer courses on growing up and becoming independant, so i wasnt any different then the next little noob who left the nest.

Things seemed to be going okay, the dust settled and autopilot kicked in... the pressure was pretty much reduced at that point. I had gotten into the routine. getting up, going to work, eating lunch at bourbon st. grill, and heading back to work, finishing up, heading home at 6 or 7ish and then just milling away on the computer making weird little glitch tunes for a bit. Rinse, repeat, go get retarded on weekends.

fast forward 2 years later. Well, my contracts up... i've gotten a good taste of the grownup world, and im pretty sure i can handle it... so since im a free agent, i went back to niagara falls to live at home again and take a stab at possibly starting my own media design company... pressures back on. Got a few freelance jobs, a couple of regular clients, nothing that could help me drop a mortgage or anything... which started to corncern me a little... i wasn't getting any younger, and alot of my friends more or less had some kind of shit locked down....or at least moved up the broken ladder of awesomeness in the ranking system over at the fuckin parks commision or marineland. *thumbs up*

so yeah, that was kinda scary... and the pressure was back on... so it was time to sit down and write a list of shit i think im good at (or wanted to be). Of course music was in there, as was media design (flash, photoshoop, CSS, php, 3d shit) I wanted to be one of those really hip and trendy New York / SF coder / design gurus...   like Eric Jordan or the badass himself Josh Davis... those were the kinda people i wanted to be, professionally speaking of course. I was practical enough in my desicion i suppose... i am / was too much of a pessimist to state that i wanted to be a mother fuckin rockstar and make millions of dollars just making music and touring the world. I couldn't / wouldn't allow myself dream that big... not because i couldnt imagine how awesome it would have been, but only because i didnt want to see myself being 35 and still sitting at my moms house chasing that dream. The avoidance of failure was probably my biggest motivator at the time.

So, on my quest to develop "sick media design skills" i will say, i've learned alot about everything... design, programming, presentation... all while still whittling away on music to kill the time. Im not exactly sure what the definning moment was for me... but there was a bit of a paradigm shift when i found myself making music... for a company that sells music to TV commercials, website developers, and other dudes who didnt feel like paying $30,000 to liscense "whoop there it is" for their fuckin tampon commercials or whatever. And, even though the money wasnt insane... i was having fun, and i was making music nearly fulltime now.

i'd love to write about the following year, but im still pretty bitter about it... so maybe it will come up in a book somewhere in the future.... so here's the tl;dr on that:

moved back to toronto, worked with someone, Chris Lake found me.

Chris had heard a couple snippets of some house (or whatever my genre is) tracks i've been toying about with, and was really keen on em... (i think it was faxing berlin) ... this opened up a whole new world to me really... i mean, i didnt realize that people at the time were actually making a modest living off dance music alone, never have in fact. I always assumed that they all had day jobs, trust funds, or rich ass wives... i really did... because every musician i ever knew growing up still lived with their fuckin parents or somewhere downtown with their girlfriend who's been trying to unload them.

funny. alright, i figured i'd look into this a little more seriously, and see what pans up... well, talking to Chris got me talking to others, Max Graham was always a big supporter from the very begninning, in fact, he named "Faxing Berlin" over an aim conversation... he just didnt know it at the time ;)  and well, he was going to sign it and put it out on his new label ReBranded (which was a huge fuckin deal for me at the time).... the deal was really insanely simple (as far as recording deals go) yet someone still managed to fuck it up so terribly bad that it just completley put him off the idea alltogether, which i totally understand.

So... that kinda just came and went... so did the rest of that fucking year. so, i moved again, just to a different part of Toronto... started up a niche label on beatport called mau5trap! Of course, by this time, Pete Tong had been canning out "faxing berlin, not exactly" so the label was doing pretty allright... so now it was official. I started to accept and get a little more comfortable with the idea that i just might be doing this the rest of my life... but i still had no idea what to expect... and was still as pessimistic as always. But, realisticly it was looking safe, Nic Fanciulli and Zabiella were doing their one+one tour, and rinsing faxing berlin.... then all of a sudden im googling myself... and im seeing this "deadmau5" guy being talked about a little bit here and there... all VERY underground... which is cool to the scenesters no doubt. Then along came satan... who is a ginger, and made me sign a management agreement.


nawwww.... im kidding. It's just Dean, people confuse him for beazelbub all the time... no seriously, it was a cozy little safe deal (for both parties) that was to just help me along the way, book me some shows, help out with the label... nothing insanely heavy... coz im sure for all he knew at the time i was just a flash in the pan... and for all i knew at the time i was just a flash in the pan... so im sure we were all pretty cautious... even though he'd probably spout off some bullshit now like "I KNEW HE'D BE BIG" whatever dean... youre still the same dean i met in a fucking SHED near a horse pen in Kent... so calm down. (hes probably read this and shat himself by now)

So on came not exactly, arguru, the reward is cheese... (which by the way deserves a chapter all on its own, but im not fond of litigation so i'll omit that as well) and well... the bookings just kinda came in... and next thing i know, is that im on flights to england, australia, malta... to be the support acts of some pretty big names at the time in EDM. So i think this is where the pressure started to kick in. It's really a tough thing to be thrown in the same arena as some other people who are doing way better than you... I mean, fuck yeah it's exciting, but the expectations of you that you throw on yourself are bigger than anything you can imagine.

Cue my fear of failure... my first "show" ever... was headlinning the main room at Ministry Of Sound, in London... at the time, it wasnt really clear to me... but closer to the date, i was told that there are alot of producers who have worked / produced for years and years who haven't gotten to that point. This was a royal headfuck for me... and i was a nervous wreck. I remeber getting up there that night, playing after nic fanciulli, shaking like a fuckin leaf... praying my shit worked, laptop didnt crash, or just fuck something up royally... it was really the "this is it" moment for me. baptism by fire no doubt. i will say now, ever since that show, i have never been nervous about performing again.

from that point on to this point, my life could be tracked online... it was just...  more tracks, more recognition, and way more touring... with the odd bit of bullshit and stuff in between. There really was a point in those years where i could have sworn my "celebrity" status was at the perfect level for me.... i could still go to any given nightclub and have a great time with friends, not get bothered by press too much, nothing controversial going on, just chilling making music havin fun.... and on the other side... while still having people turn up to events just to see me. It was amazing, and i really regret not being more relaxed about it.

now my life seems unreal even to myself... im sitting here typing this away, in a fucking gorgeous private villa in ibiza, you know, the usual... just working on some shit for MTV, hanging out with sweedish house mafia....tiesto, guetta... ... like what the fuck is wrong with me? how does anyone just get "used" to this shit...i can't. i won't. the only thing that's keeping my feet on the ground right now is pressure. You know that feeling you get when people are watching you? yeah... well what if the feeling was justified, and you have nearly 1,000,000 followers on facebook alone, and 1.2 BILLION who are going to watch you on TV in 2 weeks time... i dont know how im able to cope with that kind of pressure....fuck, how does anyone else cope with it? what about i dunno... the other guys in my feild... i don't bother to ask.. because i already know it has to be different for everyone. But for me... it's scary as fuck... the scary part isn't the attention youre getting, the scariest part is the instilled fear of failure that i've had my whole life.... and when you can't live up to someones expectations, that classifies as a fail.

the only thing left to do is to try to ignore the fact that people expect things from you at this point.... but again, it's pretty hard to ignore a million people. It's just a big headfuck for me... for the most part, i try not to let the pressure build on me to the point where i fumble around like an idiot... but thats just what happens. Remeber that Brittany shit when she went all fuckin loco and shaved her head? yeah i thought it was fuckin hilarious at the time too... but, thinking about it... i can totally see that as a direct result of just cracking under the stress... not to say everyone who's under huge amounts of pressure and stress are ceceptable to flipping the fuck out and shaving their head... but everyone has a breaking point.... and i dont think i ever want to know mine.

So am i living a dream? or enduring a nightmare?  I still can't decide... because the last thing i want, or anyone else wants, is to just fade out into obscurity over a period of time and then end up shit on by the people who are near me now. Thats why i have "fail" tatooed on the inside of my wrist... has a very profound meaning to me. Well, this is the short of it...another day approaches, and the pressure is more prevalent then it was the other day... im trying my best.

184 comments:

  1. i really enjoyed reading this. thank you.

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  2. That's the thing that sucks when someone has multiple talents it's to hard to choose one and more once you sorta get stuck onto one for example you music since it's like a career now sometimes you just wanna do for a living the other talents you have that would be rad though haha if you had a graphic design company and etc you would be known as a very talented person

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  3. Excuse the cliche but thanks for keeping it real Joel.

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  4. I love what you do and I would love to try my hand in it but I'm poor haha.

    Best of luck to you man and I LOVE hearing your music!!! keep it up!

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  5. You just do what you love to do and what we love to hear and at dont worry bout any pressures, because at the end of the day if you get dropped by your label or if you dont live up to the pressure you will still love to produce music and we will still love to listen to it.

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  6. thanks for sharing this. I'm going to school right now to be a media design type guy also but in recent time have melded with the idea of putting more time into my love for music. It's hard to dream big at an art which only a select few make it, but hearing a story like yours gives me all the more inspiration

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  7. dear joel,

    i love what you have been writing, it would be awesome to talk to you sometime. the shit you have been writingis so real, wpould be aweomse to talk


    oh and everytime i try to explaim the perfect high five people look at me like i have 10 eyes

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  8. it was good to read!
    it shows that you are still human after getting all this popularity!

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  9. dude. i hear you loud and clear. i feel some of the shit your going thru. given you have a lot more eyes on you do then i, but i feel pressure too. i feel the fear of failure. just remember no matter if you shave your head or your laptop explodes on stage, we will always been your fans. at least i know i will. keep your chin up, cus if you think its a nightmare and not paradise, it will be a night mare.

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  10. Bro. You're going to have to try REALLY hard to let me, or any of your other true fans down. Really. Really. REALLY. Hard.

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  11. Consider some charity work. Make a few beats not for profit, but to help others. Seeing the shit other people go through (a different sort of pressure) can really clear things up in your own life. Helping out less fortunate people can be the most therapeutic fucking thing in the world.

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  12. Wow, what a story. You should definitely write a book man.

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  13. thanks joel. keep livin life dude. mad respect.

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  14. We love you mau5, cause unlike those other 'celebrities' you're actually real and down to earth =]

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  15. Thats actually fuckin brilliant writing. Thanks so much Joel. It inspires many.

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  16. Very interesting. I wish you continued success. Fu*k the leeches, fu*k the posers, fu*k the envious. I was recently introduced to House music, when I went to Ultra, you headlined. You've inspired through your music, and that my friend is success, the sheer ability to inspire. Enjoy Ibiza, and continue to RAGE.

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  17. Awesome You are an inspiration to me!

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  18. Kill it mau5! Just do what you have always done and make music. Fuck the people.

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  19. It really sounds like you let it all out. Hope its really you writing this all down mou5.
    It probably doesnt mean much to you, but the idea of someone as pesimistic, no, really rather "realistic" as me that in the end has achieved so much, inspires not only me, but a whole load of people nontheless. It doesnt matters in the end what we think but what.....well...you know the rest, as long as it fits your, do what ever you need to do :)
    Cheers!

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  20. your awesome! no one can change that

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  21. deadmau5 you are in the Matrix. Want us to help you out, so you can bring your amazing music to the real world? ;D
    But srsly, just make music that you like. Because when you like it, we'll like it too. The only thing I don't like that you've made is For Lack Of A Better Name, just because songs 5-9 don't appeal to me. But that's okay, because you have 100+ songs that do. Live on, my Canadian brother.

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  22. Joel, this is why youre my favourite EDM artist. That was probably the realest shit I've ever read. Don't ever stop making tunes, and if you end up shaving you head or something, fuck it. That's what the mau5 head is for.

    Thanks for existing. Seriously haha.

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  23. Inspiring, thank you for sharing.

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  24. and this is why you're my favorite "celebrity" on the planet.

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  25. Damn, you just reached me. Amen Brotha. Enjoyed every word of this.

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  26. i really enjoyed reading this
    you put a very real face on celebrity and the pressure that can come with it

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  27. you do realize that (now that you said it) a large chunk of your followers will now be tattooing "fail" on their wrists?...
    ...all because of YOU...lol

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  28. i LOVE how open you are with your fans. you're doing it right :D

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  29. Good stuff.. It's crazy how success hits you with a ton of bricks, like where the f has it been hiding? Now you can't drop the ball. I feel ya bro, I'm not a celebrity, nor intend to be -- but would you be happier hiding behind the computer writing code? It's got to be bittersweet.

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  30. really.. wow man..
    I'm stunned.. So much you've shared today.. I don't think I would be EVER able to thank you enough..
    I'm a DJ too (I try my best) and I found your story really inspiring and felt completely identified with the fear of failure and the pressure I put on my own shoulders..

    THANK YOU JOEL :)

    KUMAtron
    http://twitter.com/KUMAtron

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  31. what a legendary story - it may look like "the dream" on the outside, you're getting bigger and bigger- and this touring shit must start to drive you nuts after a while! or a projectile vomit! ;)

    your originality takes the cake after seeing these other bimbos(except john digweed) behind the decks- have a mau5 head!with synchronized lighting! rocking shit man! you deserve every ounce of success

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  32. nice. i understand u a little better now

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  33. Man, I wish more celebrities would admit how hard it is to be a celebrity and that the media just makes it look fucking cool. granted it definitely has its ups but for people like me who don't exactly like a bunch of attention on them, I'm not necessarily sure I could handle all that shit. Good luck Joel. Keep on keepin things real and realize you have a lot of supporters who legitimately enjoy what you do.

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  34. Damn dude. I realize the pressure you speak of and I think you are doing great just the way you are. I don't know anyone in the music arena that's as relatable as you and that means a lot, not just to me, but to your fans as a whole I am sure. To change your MO is to the change the Mau5. Great things come from humble beginnings. I got mad love for ya. Peace. -deadmau5 fan-

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  35. first post! xD that's some really deep stuff man, I can't relate to it, but I can respect the profoundness of it all. Pressure...that's an epic way to describe fame. You sir, have lived an interesting life. I think I understand the thing about "Fail" being tattooed on the inside of your wrist...not a pretty thought that one. Anyway man, love the music, Meowingtons is the most epic cat ever, best of luck with everything.

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  36. Thanks for sharing. Great read. Hope you're doing alright.

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  37. That was quite possibly one of the most inspiring blogs I have ever read. Just knowing that one of my favourite DJs is actually real and not just some robot who plays a couple tunes was worth reading this.

    And by the way, fuck what the haters say, I've seen you 3 times now live, and everytime your show keeps getting better. Do you, fuck the rest.

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  38. JOEL YOU'RE FULL OF WIN. GRIT YOUR TEETH!

    YOU'VE GOT OUR SUPPORT.

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  39. Deadmaus, Joel, whatever... as long as your doing what you love and enjoy doing it, your living the dream. the day that changes or stops, its the latter, enduring a nightmare...

    easier said than done but dont be so hard on yourself, if you fail, at least you can say you tried, which is allot more than most others have done..

    people love you not only for your music but for who you are. after reading this last post from you, i can tell your a decent down to earth bloke

    keep doing what your doing
    we all love you here in australia,
    Shaun

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  40. mau5 do u fear what the world wants or what the world forgets

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  41. Rock on!

    "I just go where the guitar takes me. "Angus Young

    just go where life takes you, and enjoy the ride!

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  43. great read joel. never before have i read something so elequently written but in a way that only you could do it. i've never seen you live before, but i definitely live by your music. i enjoy everything that you are doing for the EDM scene. thank you.

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  44. Thats how everything ends.. fading away! Just enjoy a great time "now".. :)

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  45. I've seen you perform live a couple times and I enjoyed the hell out of both of those performances. I'm not the most savvy guy when it comes to the world of electronic music but I know what I like to listen and dance to. It validated to me your popularity and if I were you I would try to focus on that as a reason to continue. just my opinion. keep it up man!

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  46. People tend to create this line where famous people are divided from normal people. Classified something like gods. Your human. You have one head, a pair of arms, a pair of legs and a dick. You have a lot of pressure but u also have the right to have it. Just because your famous doesn't make you different. At the end of the day what makes us different is our decisions in life... aaaaaaand our incomes :p

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  47. Your amazing Joel, I know it doesn't matter to you but I know quite a few people that wont ever let you slip away into obscurity. You are an inspiration :) Keep on doing your thing.

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  48. Really interesting read Joel. I remember back like five years ago when I first stumbled upon Faxing Berlin. I was a huge dance music noob at the time, all I cared about was that it sounded good and made me want to move. It did that with aplomb, and after that track I always kept careful watch for anything new from you. When I first saw the mau5head, I thought it was awesome, because it was a mystery. Here was this killer EDM artist who was making all this great stuff, but the impression that the head gave, to me at least, was that you wanted to keep it low key. You seemed like someone who loved what you were doing, but you didn't care so much about being famous, that was just a nice side effect. And I thought that was really awesome, because as talented as you undoubtedly are, you really came off as doing it for the right reasons, and most importantly, as I can tell after reading this, you definitely don't take it for granted. So keep doing what you're doing, because you're giving us all one hell of a good time. Take it easy Joel.

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  49. You, my friend, are an awesome human being. I think that in the "celebrity" world, music more specifically, and to be even MORE specific, EDM, there is always going to be a fade out at some point man. But I think I can safely say that you are NOWHERE near that point, and won't be for awhile. You take an approach towards your music and your fans that is absolutely unheard of. I can safely say that you are the most down to earth "celebrity" that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing of. You will inspire this for years in new artists to come. You're doing everything right my friend. Just try and get a little more rest from time to time. :)

    All the best brother,

    Rythmick

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  50. You have no idea how much more respect i have for you... you have said what every "celeb" doesn't have the balls to say "hey I'm just like you guys" there is no podium ya know? your just another guy that loves making music and is very good at it..

    Its people like you that really inspire me to just write music because i love to write music. its people like you that keep my life moving.

    Thank you so much for being the guy that is just like me.. trying to live life doing what he loves to do...

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  51. There's such remarkable irony in this - he's so driven by anxiety. Is there any way anyone can help him? The more we love him the more we pressure him.

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  52. Write a fucking book already. And go on ustream.

    PS-- You're awesome. You've proven yourself already... now just enjoy the ride.

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  53. Deffinatly write a book :)

    This was great to read. And maybe you should look at running your own media business?? Mau5Media - hahaha.
    Can't wait to see you again one day in Australia :)

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  54. Yeah it's pretty tough to make music in a vacuum without any outside feedback. The other bitch will be if you want to move forward as a musician but the fans only want to here the same stuff.

    Look at someone like DJ Shadow who I have mad respect for, his early stuff was sick then he moved forward and it wasn't really my taste and now he's basically at his fans throats. One day you have everyone by the balls and then the next day damn.

    Also required please come to Singapore to play with all the sick DJ's spinning at Avalon Go. Diplo, Aoki, The m'fkin Chemical Brahs.

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  55. Joel u are great! what u've done till now is already history and great dance music so don't take life so serious. enjoy life .100 years from now everything will be different and almost nobody will be remembered.
    Make people dance and smile cause that's what u've been doing greatly for these past years and that's what matters!

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  56. im glad you made this blog, it's pretty eye opening and definitely puts shit in perspective. i remember seeing your remix of "thats true" or something in the FL studio 5 demo pack and then 4 years later hearing arguru and ghosts n stuff hand thinking "wow this guy got damn good!". i'm also glad you made this cuz i can tell its helping you and i was gettin pretty bummed to hear you werent doing well; youve always been an inspiration for me to step up my game with the production. big ups man and keep on doing good!

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  57. I really gained something from reading this, Joel. Role model or not, you have inspired me to dream big. I don't ever wish to be anywhere as famous as you (because you seem so stressed out by it), but I have seen how you have changed the world with your music and I would like my music to impact the world too. You are my biggest inspiration, deadmau5. I hope to open at an event for you someday.

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  58. you have been a huge inspiration by personally showing me that normal people can make music! thanks...

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  59. so we are all just trying to make it work...what ever it is..... and Joel, you have just figured something out....that worked. In SLC, We kind of think you are a bad-ass-mother-fucker.... and adorable at the same time. ANYWAY...... sending you a huge AMAZON sized hug, even if you don't want it..... xoxoxo

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  60. Amazing. Keep this up. Love reading this. Inspiring.

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  61. Joel. That was a very heartfelt and awesome story. Your talented in many ways. Im dabbling somewhere in the 4th stanza area, your words have got my name painted in them. pressure is the thing keeping your feet on the ground, but in the end you are your biggest critique as well as the only person you need to impress. YOU and the only person that can do what YOU do, because only YOU can do it. If joe the plumber wants to criticize you for not doing something you like, their dosent matter to you. Keep doing what you do joel, and I promise we will always be here to catch you

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  62. Really insightful to read man. You'd think life in your situation would be pretty cruisey... but i guess in reality it's not!

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  63. Keep positive buddy, just know that you're good at what you do, and try to help other people around you, that takes away the whole celebrity thing off your mind, giving back to the community,

    you're a pretty humble guy, keep doing your thing boss

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  64. People, the tabloids etc. May call you an asshole, a pessismistic douchebag, but the reality of it is that you havent LET GO of reality, you dont let your fame and status and money get in your view of what things really are. IMO you are and always will be one of the greatest,iconic artists of my time, your music has been able to turn my moods from shit to amazing, and my thinking from cloudy to clear and being able to think straight, when im in a jam at work, first thing that pops into my mind is Strobe and then move for me, then i start to relax and work shit out and things turn out great. The past few hours ive checked this page once in a while after reading the first blog you linked from facebook. 3 words for you man, New Home page. Keep on banging out melodies and helping me keep my shit together, and keep writing your memories, i love reading other peoples experiences. Good luck and keep your head up.

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  65. up to some point its like reading my own biography and right after that point hoping to not end up with that fail marked all over me

    just hoping to get the right opportunity someday and not live that boringasshitgotoworkeveryday-life everyone else seems to be so fuckin happy with

    but im really happy it worked out for you that good and if the pressure overwhelms remember your first gig...its just your fear that gives you a hard time, not the lack of skill or professionalism

    if something fails at the vmas just call chopper dave ;D

    ps: admiring shit and stuff...whatever #facepalm

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  66. Then along came satan... who is a ginger, and made me sign a management agreement. hAHAHA

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  67. It's really wonderful that you are this open to your fans. I don't know if you realize how utterly brave it is to expose yourself to this many people. This is why we love you, because we are able to understand what motivates you.

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  68. "relax, its just music."-Joel Zimmerman

    dont let those mtv fucks get to you

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  69. I'm not sure if you'll ever see this, Joel, but... I know exactly what you mean about fail. I'm about to begin the next phase of my life as a surgeon, and the thought of literally having other people's lives in my hands is sometimes nervewracking.

    Right NOW it's nervewracking, because I'm not in the OR doing it right this second. I'm just thinking about it. You have to compartmentalize the uber-heavy or ridiculous things in order to get through them, sometimes. (There's a million people checking out your every update on Facebook, and I'm going to take a knife and cut into someone and then get paid for it - both of these are ridick surreal scenarios.)

    But the greatest people, I have found, in a pressure-cooker situation, Just Do It, like Nike and my mom have always said. The greatest people step up to the plate in the last game of the World Series and knock it out of the park, tear shit up, and walk away like they had planned the whole thing exactly like it happened...then throw up in the bathroom when nobody's watching.

    When you're in the moment, and you get it RIGHT, that's the time where you know beyond a doubt that you are SUPPOSED to be there doing what you're doing.

    But it is the fear of FAIL that keeps you grounded, and from getting too cocky and overconfident and making stupid mistakes. So I get it. Not exactly Joel-as-Deadmau5 pressure, but serious pressure nonetheless. God help me if I ever get cocky about cutting someone open.

    In any case, I'll be watching you at the VMAs, expecting you to be amazeballs brilliant, clapping and bragging when you are, and saying I knew you would be, not because I'm trying to pressure you, but because I BELIEVE in you. I'm just a supporter. When you care as much as you do about what you do, Joel, it is very hard to fail. So belee dat! :D

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  70. Very good read. Thanks for sharing that... please do continue to write. It provides insight for those people who will inevitably follow in your footsteps.

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  71. fuck. I just realized its people like me contributing to that pressure after reading my last comment. sorry dude... just meant that... aw, fuck it.

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  72. Your music inspires thousands upon thousands, Joel. If anything was as far from fail, it'd be you. You do what you love and people love what you do, trust me, I know ;) No matter what, there are many of us here who will love you till the end :)

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  73. Joel, just do the things the way you always did! We love because you are just yourself, and we just love your music !!! And all the rest off the people who think: " well excually I don't like that music off him, or " he sucks "... Well screw them !!! You've become a part off peoples lives ya know :) and those people will not let you down just because you could have bad moment or like you say it: a faillure! Keep it up m8 ;)

    Greetz from Belgium

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  74. Wise and Humble. Do whatever makes you happy man!

    Stay true to YOURSELF

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  75. really enjoyed reading this man. i have big dreams too as a producer/dj. your doing one hell of a job. u live once. put the nervous shit aside and just continue doing what u love and make that bank. u got my full support

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  76. This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing this and being an inspiration

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  77. PS You are the best...keep up the music

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  78. It's pretty much recognised that the more successful people in life are driven by an incomprehensible fear of failure...almost a phobia. I've read a lot of biographies and definitely the more notable names in history appear to have been terrified of not hitting their own marks.It's obvious you fall into this category Mr. Zimmerman..I've only gotten into your music recently and seriously, I'm really annoyed at how it seems to have gotten past me the last couple of years.(I'm one of those people who love to say,I knew that guy'd be HUGE!!).By the way...your star has only started to rise yet,if you're surprised now,wait til you see how respected you're GOING to become,and well deserved sir,I salute you....besides all that...thank you for your innovative and beautiful music,for sharing it with us..and mostly for entertaining us.

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  79. I like that surgeons comment.

    Dude I don't even know what to say. I guess if I had any input it would be that dude, its not about living up to someones expectations. It's living up to your own. And if that be living up to others expectations then I guess thats how you are. The only advice i've truely admired in this life is

    "do believe in yourself, stay inside your zone, do what you do best, and do it for you."

    - Good Luck Joel!

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  80. I do like the part where you signed your soul away. Im curious if that "DeaDMau5 guy" gets to rage like us in NoR CaL? I'm sure it's fun to do the coolest sh!t 24/7, but it is pretty nice to throw parties where no one really call's you out.Lol..."then there is alway's that drunk girl that say's...omg, it's taking a video!!" Rofl to DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  81. amazing read shows he's a real person and great to see him putting out stuff like this without us having to buy a book to read it!
    Long Live the Mau5!

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  82. Hey Joel, these blog posts are a nice read and all . . . but you gotta quit procrastinating and get back to work. you need to get back in the thick of it so you can blow these mtv fucks out of the water.

    As Uncle Ben says, "with great power comes great responsibility"

    your in the big leagues now - give 'em hell

    first time i saw you live was in 2007, it was life changing. don't worry about success and failure, just shut up and let the music do the talking. you don't need flashy hundred thousand dollar LED mau5 heads to get our bootys' shackin' (they are pretty neat though)

    just make some fatty beats and you'll be fine

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  83. I usually refrain to comment on anything you post on facebook or the ustream thing as there are too much idiots writing senseless stuff. Can't imagine how you keep track of the real meaningful things. But I felt I should comment on this one and I really like to not see the usual crap here.

    I really like your work and enjoyed reading your blog posts. I totally feel with you about the anxiety to fail. Try to step aside of the daily business from time to time for recreation. Would be very sad if the business eats you up.

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  84. wow! kind of feeling with you right now, as you've clearly stated the "all eyes on you"-effect... hopefully you'll always find a calm space for your very own moments of silence without feeling the pressure of "the scene"! wish you all the best

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  85. How Can Someone be afraid to fail when they have so much accomplished and more so then lots of people out their with the seem interests. you also have your own World the JOEL ZIMMERMAN world this can be your world for other talents then you have DEADmau5 Land Music Producing so on So you have so much smarts that if you fail at one (not likely) you still have the other not many out their have that choice some DJ for them its just that and my god that sounds way more of a nightmare that if they fail at that and are forgetting who they was before their big break they would crack quicker. plus sounds like you not sucked into the fame of things and are still human with fears that's life we all have them (stop smoking the wackie) plus your in ibiza and being paid to be their not even many movie stars out their being paid to go to Party Islands more like over charged. next tune could be called "Seriously"

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  86. You rock man. Be thankful for what you've attained by what you make sound like almost an accident. You clearly have a talent and we (your fans) appreciate it! Even if something terrible happens on stage... we all know that shit happens and will be forgiving. Keep on doin what you do.

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  87. Everyone has an ego. Joel , read 'the power of now' and ' A new earth" , written by Eckhart Tolle. In those books you will learn healing practices and how to weaken the ego's grip on you. 'Fail' is how the ego gains strength . We all suffer from this in varying degrees,

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  88. chapter 1 ^^

    sorry for the length in advance, i guess no1 will read it now xD whatever


    it is "funny" to read that…


    you are, as a performer / producer/ dude, where I (and many other dudes) want to get at. i am producing tracks for 12 years now (for fun, hobby n stuff). my friends always told me "hey dude, send them to some1!" i always replied that i wasn't ready.
    3 years ago I started releasing tracks on beatport, trying to run my label and so on. (getting fucked by distributers of the oh so nice music industry). i even created another label (Noobish Records, where i wanted to help "noobs" getting released)
    then it fucking kicked in. stress, pressure…it was such an extreme situation that I even landed at the hospital. I really did a lot. Wife, work, tracks, remixes, label, some small gigs (1 per month). always trying to be "perfect" in all i did.
    (and now, u can even add the "child" category :)

    The only difference is the result. I did 200 tracks in 3 years, achieving nothing in my tiny we-dont-care-about-you country.
    some would say, but wow dude u have signed a track to sony, and your name is on a ministry compilation and tiesto is playing a remix of your track! (i hate remixes of my tracks^^)
    but the truth is:

    - i have stagecraft 2 on my right screen (to destress and run away from the music life)
    - your blog entry on my left screen (to feel the pain with you, cause me at my level can So feel it)
    - i see my ableton icon in the dock screaming: "you know you fucking want it!"
    - "real" work is starting in 2 hours
    - i am depressed

    so, the difference is…the result.
    while i am here being depressed about my carrier not wanting to (fuckin) start off, putting myself under pressure to throw one million tracks per month so maybe ONE can maybe really make it…you are under pressure etc…for "higher level" things.

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  89. Hmmm turns out one of my favorite artists is a pretty grounded/normal guy :D Nice to see you talk to your fans this openly man, tons of respect for you.

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  90. chapter 2^^

    i don't even know where i wanted to get at here after typing so much^^
    pbbly a thing like: "wtf are we doing to ourselves"
    sometimes i wish i wasn't a perfectionist. sometimes i wish i wasn't….many things i couldn't say here.
    all i know, intelligence eats you. creating….eats you.
    ->-> But i could never Not do it. this is me. i want to be me…eating myself up, in the end.

    maybe i have a little hint, something i found out over these 3 years.
    even me at my level have fans. i have 1600 ppl following me on Facebook xD
    close to you eh?^^ (cough)
    what i found out is, creating all this shiat + work + performing etc…= energy.
    it costs a lot of energy. so, what is the fuel of all that?
    well i found out, for me, that it's dudes that support you. family and fans. writing nice comments on your page, calling you, helping you etc…

    being artistic = energy cost
    fans = refuel energy :)

    maybe too simple, maybe u cant rely on that cause your fans want to literally eat you ^^
    then adjust it for your situation :)




    Would Britney really have stopped doing what she did if one would have told her: "hey dudette, ur gonna shave ur hair soon, ur getting too much into it n stuff…."
    she would have pbbly said: "i know dude, but i cant fuckin stop, im a fuckin fucked up artist fuckin up my own life. i don't know why, but i need that."


    *rings a stranger's doorbell and runs away*

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  91. I feel the same way you did in the starting years. I'm just afraid to fail in something I love which is graphic design. I attend to arts school with the approval of my parents, but they never showed much confidence about it. They just kept that pressure in me, and I don't want to disappoint them and all the people that trusted me to do what I enjoy.
    I'm leaving home to attend an university degree in Design, and this is for now the most important moment of my life... Will I succeed in the area I like? Or will I find out that this isn't actually the thing I dreamed about?
    Anyway, I'm only 17 and I hope to avoid the failure like you did.
    I know we're in different
    areas, but your way of living just inspired me :D

    www.be.net/franciscofrutuoso

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  92. lets see. it was like 12:30 in the morning and i was riding home with my little brother and his friend. thinking about how stale my life is and a lot of all that bullshit you talked about before you were doing music. and this track comes on. and it was just the most amazing thing i'd ever heard. it was like exactly what i felt like, and it made me feel like someone knew what it was like to be me. that was 'i remember' that was only 2 months ago, but 'random album name' hasn't left my car since, and i just got get scraped and for lack of a better name too and have been listening to you for 3 straight days. i have NEVER done that with another artist. so thank you. thank you for making awesome music. thank you for making working in a grocery store while i try and finish college to really pursue my interests worthwhile. thank you for making the dryest two years of me life have a tl:dr that says: 'and then there was deadmau5, and none of that shit mattered'

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  93. Amazing post joel, I feel you. I came over to Canada as an international student & I studied Digital Media Arts & I've seen u so many times in Guvernment or This is London.

    I feel I am passing the same path as yours. Graphics, Music, Media ...

    Following DREAMS which will end up to expect yourself not to FAIL !!!!

    (That everyone knows you are great, but inside are just someone else)

    Cheers brother. ur bio is helping me not to feel alone, and currently I am in China. I won a competetion in Startup companies and I'm getting ready to face investors in November. Someday not far from now I will become HUGE and I know I have to rewrite the same article as yours ;)

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  94. wow dude i never really realized what is would be like to be a celebrity but now that you have told us im having second thoughts about becoming a dj. or atleast a famous one. i just wanna share music with people not play for 100 000 plus people you know? so mabie like a youtube account would be alright for me but nothing like the stuf ur doing now :)

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  95. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  96. "i am / was too much of a pessimist to state that i wanted to be a mother fuckin rockstar and make millions of dollars just making music and touring the world. I couldn't / wouldn't allow myself dream that big... not because i couldnt imagine how awesome it would have been, but only because i didnt want to see myself being 35 and still sitting at my moms house chasing that dream."

    Those are the most powerful words I've read in a bit, coming from a producer who's starting to get attention from those who've made it...and feels the exact same way.

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  97. You know, I was only gonna skim threw this and read bits-n-parts... --but I ended up reading the whole thing fucking asshole.

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  98. It's cool to hear about how it all came about for you. You have always been real that way. I do worry about you, Joel. I know that you push yourself to the limits and sometimes I think you need to take a little break. I know you only live once, but damn ...You're human! You need rest like everyone. Celebrity or not ;) I'll stop being so mom'ish and say your music stirs my soul. Thanks for sharing your story with us, from just ONE of your million followers.

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  99. yo you're joking if u think a billion people are going to watch that mtv show

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  100. If only you could listen to your own tracks as if they were someone else's. They always release pressure (albeit only temporary) in my life on a regular basis.

    And if you get sick of the music biz, try writing for a while, definitely a good read!



    FML!

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  101. You're incredible. I'm glad you wrote this, and I'm uberglad you're not an egotistical megastar, and it doesn't sound like you'll ever be one. Keep doing what you do...you've already produced such incredible music that failure will never be your reality--unless you choose it to be so.

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  102. dude, you're awesome. i love how real you are. i'm listening to strobe right now. i pretty much worship you.

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  103. oh, and you need to hurry up and come to denver already!! see you october 6th :)

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  104. Wow Joel, that was a very interesting read indeed. As you say in the first post, this blog is to keep your sanity and it seems this was quite a load.

    I've always liked what you write because you have a great sense of cynical humor. If you ever get tired of touring as Deadmau5 the musician you should give stand up a shot. I'd be on the front row of those shows too ;)

    I hope you can find some personal space where you can escape the pressure you speak of. Still, the reason for your success might be because you work so hard not to fail. I just hope there's something that can make you relax and try not to think too much about the peoples expectations.

    Allthough, when you say "when you can't live up to someones expectations, that classifies as a fail." I think you are being very hard on yourself. I mean, don't feed the trolls you know. Those trolls set the expectations pretty high. I also know that you know your internets well and can filter that shit out but I'd hate to see you reach the breakingpoint beacause of bullshit like that :P

    Well that became a wall of text.
    tl;dr?
    well, don't worry Joel. Even if you fail, ppl will cheer for you.

    Take care of yourself!
    Sincerely,
    Robert Alness

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  105. Been listening to the last track on Random Album Title a shitton the past couple of weeks and at one point, ya, I was ready for you to put out more material. Then I realized, fuckit, just put out tracks as you feel comfortable. Those who truly like your shit can wait, the people bitching for more can suck a dick.

    -MorningWoody

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  106. Can I have a little more info on the song Arguru, I read it was named after a guy that had passed away....

    Also, I recall some people on tranceaddict them saying you had to pay your way to play small shows and stuff in Canada (true?)...you worked your way up Joel. You deserve everything positive that you get, the negatives, well it will happen, if their is a positive there will be a negative.
    You are an icon, and a symbol, trademark etc., people that say you made all your music on FL, ha, I dont see them making anything any better, and plus the claims are not legit. Keep up the good work /b/ro. Ill see you in Chicago again Oct. 22-23. I have met you before and you were down to earth as hell, eh who cares if your cocky or arrogant, I am as well, just because that is how we are. My mudkipz card is still in my wallet you signed ;-P

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  107. I really enjoyed reading this and the other posts on your blog, and am all for the idea of a Deadmau5 biography. I would totally read that, and love it, especially if it was written in the sort of blunt style that you are writing your blogs in.

    Anyways, thanks for posting these, you have made a 15 year old's (birth)day! :D

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  108. this was so good to read at work today (terrible factory job). I decided to finish at lunch time :D

    made me inspired to pursue my interest in making music and actually motivated me to start learning music theory!

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  109. that was a really deep and meaningful blog post.. i really can't imagine being in your shoes and doing what you do for living.

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  110. Mi name is Rodrigo I live in Buenos Aires Argentina, I work in a company improving at system processes for financial Company's but...I love the music.
    The last year i was fired at one of the Big Four Accounting Firms and i decided to use my compensation (i dont know how to say in English) buying a computer and another stuffs to live my dream, be a DJ. And i did it.
    I get another Job in systems and at the same time the Friday and Saturdays start in a Disco, but i had to leave the music because I had an accident with my car returning to my house. Have two Jobs is not easy, to mauch preassure, girls, alcohol and another shits...
    Now i have only one jobs (Systems) I leave my girlfriend, the job of DJ, people of the nocturanl job. I start to live the day again, going to the park, seeing my friends, museums and
    listening a lot of music and making some mixes.
    Thanks for listening my story and I need to return to my English studys soon it was difficult to write this! :)
    Tnx for share this things with us Joel!!!!!!!!!!!

    http://soundcloud.com/rodmix/rodrigo-salamanca-imola-sounds-ii-septiembre-2010

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  111. JOEL, YOU ARE STILL A HUGE DOUCHE...

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  112. there is such a vast amount of people following you simply because they love who you are and what you can do.. the only pressure you should put on yourself is to do what is best for YOU in each moment. true fans respect you as a person and don't think of you as just a musician that needs to fulfill our cravings... nothing could make fans happier than to see you happy, so take care of yourself first.. we follow your lead :)

    haters only hate because of their own insecurities keeping them from seeing Light and Love.. they get caught wishing things were different and show no gratitude for all that we have Right Now. Life truly is beyond good, beyond great. don't let their negativity make you believe you need to be something you're not. It is a miracle that we even get the chance to experience this life, so live for You and not for Them.

    Personally, you have provided my life with so much blissful joy and inspiration that I am forever grateful.

    I've seen you five times since Together as one in 2008/9 (back when you were on a side stage haha) and it has been a pleasure following you and watching your success blossom. You Deserve It All. Stay up brotha

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  113. You arouse envy even in your biggest fans.

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  114. At the end of the day - you've inspired people and that's a no-fail.

    Thanks for sharing this story. Got me thinking.

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  115. That's some good shit. I'm workin' for the man and I've bought all this gear to start producing music and have been too chicken-shit to give it a serious go because I'm afraid of failure (it's all just sitting here in front of me). It's so much easier to just go out on weekends and get drunk with friends than to stay inside and spend some time seriously trying what I want to do.

    It's very inspirational reading this. Not trying to add more pressure to your blogging... not like you'd give a shit anyways. ;)

    A+

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  116. There is a chance that your biggest fear will realize in the biggest way..
    Btw, you forgot that all that is a game, there is no stress.. It's all a computer game, Joel, don't forget about it ; )

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  117. joel thanks for your history
    and dont think a lot in fail this of that
    just do what you love and will be awesome
    LIKE ALWAYS :D

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  118. I love what Gavriela had to say-
    You keep things real Joel- it's interesting to have a peek inside your head. Pressure sucks- I believe you can work through it though. You are amazing.

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  119. wow. that was kind of amazing. and for some of us, in our eyes you could never be a failure. just keep making music.

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  120. Dude Joel that is one of the realest/ballerist things i have ever heard/read.. and coming from an IT person myself us geeks/techies idolize you and what you have done. Especially the ones who love trance/dance/electronic KEEP IT UP DUDE YOUR DOING FUCKING GREAT!!! btw i love 'alone with you'

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  121. Just keep a level head man, we're all rooting for you.

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  122. You sir, are such an inspiration. I don't just know you as Deadmau5, i know you as the amazing Joel Zimmerman. I was introduced to your music about a year in a half - to two years ago and your music and i have been best friends ever since. I went to your show last year at House Of Blues in Orlando and i have no words to explain how i was feeling standing there in front of you finally seeing you live. I heard you got pissed or something at that show and i dont want to come back :( Buuuuttt its fine because i'm taking a roadtrip to see you at the Tabernacle and i cannot wait :) I remember when nobody really knew who you were, your music was incredible to my friends and i, it was "ours" So many fucking memories to your music, might i add. I really hope you read this just so you know the happiness your music has brought me, Thank you so fucking much from the bottom of my heart <3

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  123. Mr. Joel Zimmerman, thanks for sharing all of your thoughts and for starting this blog. This post especially has touched me deeply.. I am near tears. I understand what you're saying and it's just amazing to me how down to earth you are. I think that as long as you keep doing what you do and you stay real to yourself, keep making the music you love, then have faith that things will fall into place. It has already taken you so far. The fact that you come from a humble beginning means all of your experiences are well deserved. There's a reason you are so successful and I believe it must be written in the stars. Your exceptional skills have been noticed by the masses and it's such a rare rise of success that you must consider that you are here for a reason. But take things one step at a time and stay strong; Your true fans believe in you! So give it a little more effort and start to believe in yourself :) You got this Joel.

    I am personally very excited to see you grow as an artist and human being. Following you in your writings and achievements for the past year has been an amazing journey <3 You are doing fucking GREAT so far.

    You might not be able to see it right now and it's understandable as pressure can cloud your vision. But I see you doing so many great things in the future, You've got it all Joel -- the talent, the brains, a fucking insane and hilarious sense of humor, and a REAL personality. Go get em!!

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  124. Thanks for posting this. It is great to read a real account of life from people in the media and public eye. I think that to many people have this notion that "Celebrity" life is all glamour and cruisy, but this just proves the opposite.

    Keep the blogs coming!!

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  125. Mr. Joel,

    Please remember this... People know you through the music you make.
    More important, your music makes your fans... your fans don't make your music!

    And please, tattoo "INSPIRE" on the wrist.
    I'm over thirty by now, way back from those "wannabe" days... found you a year ago, got one old, scratchy CF5, spent a few hundreds with VST's, and i spent/gain hours with my 3 year old nephew on my lap, hiting those keys. It's a priceless moment!

    So... "INSPIRE" is the word Mr. Joel .

    Cheers from Portugal.

    Please read this in a philosofical way... you'll get the point!

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  126. I think that was really deep. You shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself Joel. I think your living both a Dream and a Nightmare. I will never know what it is like to be in the spot-light, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like. But obviously you where given a Great Talent for a reason. So live it up and if your times comes to an end, Know that you did Your Best and Gave it Your All and You Will Always be Remember for what You have Given to Us Fans!!!

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  127. when you get "big" I think it's important to stay in touch with some parts of when you were "small" - as they say, remember your roots.... now I know it was only for a time but sectionz.com and our longtime members will always think of your roots being with sectionz.

    Would love to release or re-release some of your pre-famous stuff on SectionZ Records man. You don't really know me (probably) but I'm eman8ions (shannon) and friends with Josh (he gave me ownership of sectionz) and Nick Goncalves (djcaster) both of whom I know you were fairly close with while hangin with sz.

    SZ sends respect & congratulations... and possibly some sanity as part of the roots of deadmau5 ;)

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  128. I definitely enjoyed reading this, and if you wrote a book about your life up to this point, I'd read it in an instant.

    Meeting everyone's expectations is extremely difficult - and amongst the crowd, people inevitably voices an opinion of their own about how they feel towards something - like a song. It's about you expressing yourself - not expressing how to meet people's expectations. Isn't that what music is about? The freedom to express? It's like those situations on a TV show. You have two people in a competition and one of them tries too hard to make their peers happy and loses the competition to the other person who works hard to express themselves.

    Music is something you clearly love, but don't let the pressure get to you. After all, I'm sure that you would love music to remain as something you enjoy with a passion, and not just a profession that gets you by nor something you want to look back on as being bitterly satisfying. Tackle whatever is ahead of you step by step - never all at once.

    Sometimes taking a few steps back actually propels you forward. Right now, even though you are hanging out with people you thought you would never hang with, it just shows that you're doing really well so far. This experience won't be a nightmare if you don't succumb to the pressure and lose yourself in the process but keep your values and principles close to your heart as a reminder of who you are and how it got you to where you are.


    "And I want a moment to be real, Wanna touch things I don't feel, Wanna hold on and feel I belong. And how can the world want me to change, They’re the ones that stay the same. They can’t see me, But I’m still here.

    They can’t tell me who to be, ‘Cause I’m not what they see. And the world is still sleepin’, While I keep on dreamin’ for me..."

    - I'm Still Here - John Rzeznik (The Goo Goo Dolls)



    Take care and best regards to you Mr. Joel Zimmerman. =)

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  129. Dear Joel,

    I was so touched by your article and want you to know that I have listened to your latest cd everyday in my car since last November! I totally relate to what you are going through. I am a very private person and have enjoyed huge success as a model since my twenties, and moved to LA to pursue a career in acting. Through the years trying to survive as honest person has been trying as I also am very artistic and multitalented. My journey also has included being scrutinized by the public on television, stage, film sets, runways, books, print campaigns, but one has to always believe deeply in yourself..I have found that peaceful place through meditation which warms your heart and something magical happens where your entire body merges with everything living..This state I can go to through breath and I do not need drugs. The past year and a half has been so painful with many moments of utter joy everyday when I play your CD. Even friends of mine are able to reach such happy state of "BEING" just hearing your music play and all the stress and cares weighing heavily on them merge into a magical midst. I wish you the very best success and I know you will always be successful for you are in "TOUCH" with your vuneralbility - NO EGO and that will always protect you. You must think when you play for all of us at the MTV awards that all of our hearts and our souls are with you. This is only the beginning of the joy, love, and happiness which you channel to the world.

    Much luv,
    XCX

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  130. maybee after a while u can still make music for ppl like us and go underground again but i doubt that can happen ur music is captivating its the bestu cant fail us we love ur music

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  131. I normally don't read "Blogs"nor post on them but this one caught my eye. Every human being goes though life wanting to live up to the expectations of others and from where I'm sitting you not failing your music and that mau5head has inspired so many different people.(including myself) So the fear of you failing wont happen in my opinion. reading this made me realize that even my biggest idols have fears,just like me.I have a ton but i think it helps to know that your not the only one and there are others. Your music is quite the interesting and perplexing, that mau5head is such genius I'm making my own. "Failure doesn't exist in my vocabulary because I will not allow myself to know failure". may sound cocky but I believe in it. What you doing with your life and music is wonderful and has truly helped me a ton in situations. so failure for you cant happen because you have already succeeded. Keep your head up! and thank you very much for posting this it put things into perspective and let me know I'm not the only one who has these thoughts and can overcome them!

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  132. I enjoy reading your blog, thanks for letting your fans get to know a different side of you. I think one of the reasons of your success is that you connect with your fans a lot, not that many artists do it. Thanks for the tunes and thanks for seeing this side of the mau5.

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  133. You are not just a musician who is beyond words in what they are doing... You are a real life inspiration that is extremely hard to find these days. BEST OF LUCK JOEL, and no matter what happens, know that no one and nothing can change who you are, no matter the status, so just live your life full with enjoyment.. everything else will come on its own :) thank you.

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  134. and sir I thank you, I may be on my parents couch for the next 30 years because of you, but fuck id rather try and fail then fail and try. keep your head high mother fucker, chirst what everyone would give to be you.........but the dark side of everything still loops in the depth, grows, and grows

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  135. Wow. Best thing I've read in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed this Deadmau5.

    Cheers!

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  136. dude.......... that was beautiful.

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  137. Dear Joel/Mau5,
    I was so relieved when I read this from you. Each and every day when I wake up the first thing I do is rush to my computer to find out if you are still alive and well. Having had many years of experience with depression/anxiety, I've been so painfully worried for you. I worry that your self doubt or self loathing will cause you to do something to harm yourself. You call yourself a bad person!? I believe that your last hospitalization was not enough. You need medication for depression/anxiety. You've already had a "breakdown" but I don't feel it was taken seriously enough. PLEASE let the words from these comments.sink in and stay with you forever. You have touched these peoples hearts and we do not want to pressure you at all. Do not doubt that. We fear for your safety first. We love you.
    YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE THE DEFINITION OF INSPIRATION! LIFE WITHOUT YOU WOULD BE EMPTY AND UNBEARABLE. You have so many people worried about you. NOT because of your music, but because they feel a "true love" for you. Real love from the heart. Your health and happiness is first in our minds. Your music is so special and beautiful it is like the breath of life to many. Your writings are exhilirating and I am so very thankful for them. You sound hurt and lonely. I remember a loved one who was literally destroyed by the "women" in his life. That was the one area where he was naive and it very nearly killed him. It was pure hell and agony to see the harm caused by the women who supposedly loved him. He is better now and growing stronger and wiser. As for failure, that too is his next biggest pain. As talented as he is, he is terrified that he will not live up to other's expectations or ever be successful enough in their eyes. It is so very sad. Such good men suffer agonizingly all for naught. The only person one needs to prove himself to is himself. Everyone is so judgemental, but that is just their opinion. YOUR opinion is what counts. If you ever make an "error" SO WHAT. Everyone does. You know that. Forget the pressure. If you messed up a lot I wouldn't care because I know what you are capable of. Strobe is so magical to me that when I am dying I hope to be able to be listening to it and have that comfort and carry me out. Please, please be good to yourself. I love you first as a person and then for your creations. Your sense of humor makes me laugh so much when I'm in my worst pain. Please don't ever harm yourself or feel unloved. You own a part of my heart and life would not be life without you. People love you not only for your music but for who you are. Please be good and take care. Last night I wished on a falling star. It was for you to be happy and content . If only wishes could come true... ♥

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  138. Please don't deny the truth that is written. These other posts are beautiful and true. You are loved and cared about immensely.


    "You, my friend, are an awesome human being"
    "You have no idea how much more respect i have for you..."
    "There's such remarkable irony in this - he's so driven by anxiety. Is there any way anyone can help him? The more we love him the more we pressure him"
    "i'm also glad you made this cuz i can tell its helping you and i was gettin pretty bummed to hear you werent doing well"
    "We kind of think you are a bad-ass-mother-fucker.... and adorable at the same time"
    "People, the tabloids etc. May call you an asshole, a pessismistic douchebag, but the reality of it is that you havent LET GO of reality, you dont let your fame and status and money get in your view of what things really are. IMO you are and always will be one of the greatest,iconic artists of my time, your music has been able to turn my moods from shit to amazing, and my thinking from cloudy to clear and being able to think straight, when im in a jam at work, first thing that pops into my mind is Strobe and then move for me, then i start to relax and work shit out and things turn out great"
    "if the pressure overwhelms remember your first gig...its just your fear that gives you a hard time, not the lack of skill or professionalism"

    "It's really wonderful that you are this open to your fans. I don't know if you realize how utterly brave it is to expose yourself to this many people. This is why we love you"
    "Your music inspires thousands upon thousands, Joel. If anything was as far from fail, it'd be you. You do what you love and people love what you do, trust me, I know ;) No matter what, there are many of us here who will love you till the end :)"
    "It's cool to hear about how it all came about for you. You have always been real that way. I do worry about you, Joel. I know that you push yourself to the limits and sometimes I think you need to take a little break. I know you only live once, but damn ...You're human! You need rest like everyone. Celebrity or not ;) I'll stop being so mom'ish and say your music stirs my soul. Thanks for sharing your story with us, from just ONE of your million followers".
    "I've always liked what you write because you have a great sense of cynical humor. If you ever get tired of touring as Deadmau5 the musician you should give stand up a shot. I'd be on the front row of those shows too ;)"

    "there is such a vast amount of people following you simply because they love who you are and what you can do.. the only pressure you should put on yourself is to do what is best for YOU in each moment. true fans respect you as a person and don't think of you as just a musician that needs to fulfill our cravings... nothing could make fans happier than to see you happy, so take care of yourself first.. we follow your lead :)"
    "Personally, you have provided my life with so much blissful joy and inspiration that I am forever grateful"
    "You might not be able to see it right now and it's understandable as pressure can cloud your vision. But I see you doing so many great things in the future, You've got it all Joel -- the talent, the brains, a fucking insane and hilarious sense of humor, and a REAL personality. Go get em!!"

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  139. if you stopped making music today, i wouldn't see that as a failure. I would look at what you created thus far and say, Deadmau5 was an amazing producer, look at the amazing art he created. I hope you continue to love what you do and only do it cuz you love it. <3 Brilliant writing again btw

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  140. *Beep*

    Oh hello.

    Gosh your eyes must be tired, Mr. Zimmerman.

    P.s. If you come to London before the 18th of December, go up Primrose Hill and chill for a while.

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  141. Wow. All the time I thought - He's so cool, he has no problems, His life is so f'n awesome.
    I changed my mind after reading this.
    I still think you're cool. Cooler than ever. It's so freakin amazing that you told us this. You should write a book about this(dont consider this as a pressure, plase ;D ). You're kinda Idol for me. And I dont really care what you're going to do next, I just love your music, your taste of music, and nothing can change that. ;) You've got f'n great sense of humor. ugh, i cant even count down those all cool things about you. :)
    There are million cool things about you (I dont even know them cuz I dont know u personally, but still ;D ), and Im sure lil bit less than million bad things. ;D But u konw what - that doesnt matter, cuz youre just person, like everybody else.
    You dont have to follow any pressures. So what? we love u as u are. You dont have to count on anyone else but you. This is YOUR life! ;)
    You should just do what you love to do, what you want to do. If some f'n ppl doesnt like it - it's their problem, not yours. :)

    I just hope that youre stronger than Britney ;D
    I mean, it would be horrible to see you like that...Hold on, man! Wish you strenght and all the best. ;)

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  142. I'm not in love with your music or you. However I think that you have the capabilities of producing some good, yet simple material. I feel as though this inner block you have is bad for your music-making abilities.
    You're kidding yourself into feeling so pressured. Your music is so heavily integrated in EDM you cannot escape it. The only way to fuck it up now is if you completely lose sight.
    Regardless, I really do feel like if you were to achieve inner peace your music would progress.

    Take some time and be with yourself.

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  143. breath in and out enjoy repeat. ur doing fine. moar roar mau5y!! sigh.....emme

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  144. Headlining at MoS would crush most people. You can do the MTV thing, no problem.

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  145. i saw you live a few weeks ago in Philly. you BLEW my fucking mind. I can honestly say that ended up being the best night of my life - a deadmau5 rave, my friends, my girl. I understand the pressure of failing millions of people, but you gotta understand the millions, and billions, of people you help and save and make so happy everyday. That number is far higher than you would think possible.

    Either way, your gonna tear it up Joel. Keep doing your thing.

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  146. Mr. Mau5,

    Your music is inspiring, as are your writings. You're a great person in this world!

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  147. I was going to write some gigantic, cheesy, mushy "I BELIEVE IN YOU MAU5 YOU INSPIRE ME" comment, but the surgeon guy pretty much summed up all my thoughts.

    We fucking BELIEVE in you, Joel. You're not going to fail. And even if you do, you've changed me and way too many others to simply "fade into obscurity". You are one of the legends of this era, like Michael Jackson was in his. And look how messed up he got.

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  149. thats some deep shit. man i dont even know how it must feel going from working a day job and having what you do on such a large scale now as just a hobby to having all the pressure to bust out awesome track after awesome track to please the fans and sponsors and whoelse i have no idea, as you can see im famous as well and know all the pahooey involved with producing..just try to find some time to enjoy yourself and step back down to our human level haha. go have a beer or whatever and just forget your worries for the time being. then of course come back and do what you do best, succeed.

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  150. Always believe in yourself. Don't let being famous or being a celebrity cloud your vision or alter your judgement. Don't let the pressure take control of you, embrace it and take control of it - allowing it to motivate you and drive you forward. Easier said than done, but I believe you can do it. I may not know you personally, but being able to fess up to being scared of failure means that you recognize the issue and as long as you can still see it, it will never get the best of you. Keep pumping out your sick beats, because man they are amazing. I saw you live in Kelowna and I have to say, I've never screamed so loud in my life. Hoping to see you live here in London too! And can't wait to see you on MTV too, I know you'll be just as amazing. Keep up the awesome work, and CANADA REPRESENT WOOO!! haha, sorry I had to throw it in there.

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  151. Mau5, Joel.. is it foolish to chase a dream?

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  152. um... back in dean's studio about a block from your mom's old house, when you mixed chariots of fire and followed it up with the revenge of the egg people mix... that's kind of when i knew you were going to be ridiculously, ridiculously good and famous one day... happy you've made it to the big time joel and every time i've watched a MTV commercial for the last several months i can smile inside and be very proud of you... kick ass tomorrow night... a lot of people who knew you a long time ago will be watching... trisha...

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  153. Joel I love this blog. Perception is everything and you have a great sense of humour and a keen view of the world. We all fail and we all make mistakes all day long...it's part of being human. One thing that will never fail is my love for you no matter what you are doing in life, I love you at maximum capacity. Here are some great words of wisdom from two men who definately understand pressure. Winston Churchill said "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Einstein said "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." Both of these guys know a little somethin about pressure. Have a great show tomorrow!

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  154. I'm sure you're already more than aware of this... but you fucking killed it at the VMAs. I'd been anticipating it ever since I heard you were doing the set, and you definitely lived up to my expectations. You're gonna go far, can't wait to see you in Atlanta!

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  155. Joel. You have nothing to worry about...well maybe: Who's gonna help you count all that sKr1LL4 and make deposits to your ph4t bank account!!!! And that's not really anything to really worry about you know?

    All you have to do is keep doing what you obviously love...producing ph4t trax! You are a musical genius. Some people are just gifted. Be happy that you found your gift and are putting it to great use.....lifting spirits and dancefloors ALL OVER THE WORLD. You are teh MAN!!!!

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  156. Dude. Did you ever have a real relationship going through all this??

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  157. All you can do is your best. Fuckin relax my friend. You're doing well. Never EVER be scared of failure though, try changing it to a desire to be great. You are the best right now at what you do. You have created a paradigm shift in this genre of music. I'm pretty sure the "Sweedish Mafia" knows this too. It was much needed and you came just in time. Just always do your best, break records but know your physical limits too. I'd hate to see something happen again like your "episode" this past summer. My little kids already dance with you mate. Our family wants the Mau5 around for a long time. Don't go Jim Morrison on us. Cheers. :) -p

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  158. I actually thought you were sort of a punk until I read this--Of course a very talented punk--not that you'd give a shit....but I think I kinda get you now....keep trailblazin man ;)

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  160. Ive been into your stuff for about 4 years now..my favorite being the reward is cheese. You seriously owned at the vmas a few days ago! what advice would you give to a prospective female dj and how should she go about breaking into a predominantly male oriented industry? keep up the great work dude

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  161. Thoroughly entertaining. Four chapters of my Communications Research Methods text await my attention but THIS...THIS communicated more shit to me than that text ever could. Hope we get to chat someday.

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  162. Really, this right here proves how much you haven't failed. The fact that you sat down and wrote this for your fan, that you've given us this insight into your life shows how successful you are. Not many people care after a certain point, and if they do they aren't able to write as freely as you. Thank you.

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  163. that "Failure" you feel..... I've been experiencing for the past few years and i'm just 19 and looking to get into music. The hardest part for me is knowing that there are millions like me, millions better than me. So my question is, what kept you from going completely nuts and not saying "fuck it dude, im done with trying to get into this overrated shit?"

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  164. Wow, Joel. That was pretty amazing. I really enjoyed reading this and getting an idea of how it feels to be in your shoes. I just recently got interested in producing EDM, and your music has been a really powerful drive for me. Whenever I'm working on a track I'm thinking, "How can I make this better, more like a Deadmau5 or Tiesto original?" It is really awesome that you're writing this blog, so, thank you for being who you are, I would never have started if it wasn't for your music's influence.

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  165. Dude, thanks for sharing! And you are living the dream!

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  166. we live in a life of a nightmare which is your dream but overcoming that and living for what you do is what makes us happy haha deadmau5

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  167. Quite frankly, to me, it seems you absolutely love the music you do and it is honestly a passion. It is plain as day to see that in all of your music ranging from your progressive to your dubstep, to anything and everything. I admire that so damn much compared to most painfully cliche music nowadays.

    The nightmare part of it seems like the inability to just take a deep breath and have time for you. Reading this posts seems like you are always in a rush and looking to please everybody. Being under pressure to create is a tremendous task and I don't know how you can bear it all, but I'm so fucking glad you can. Some of my fondest music moments have been just me, in my basement, relaxing and making the music I love. You should try it. :P

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what?