Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dave Dave Dave

heres a little story for you guys, probably one of my most memorable days ever... so far! It's kinda funny how everyone at any event probably has some kind of crazy and twisted day... and at every event where hundreds of thousands of people show up... there are like over 100,000 stories about some insane day.... here was my day!

Chopper dave. AKA Dave Dave Dave. I would have loved to leave dave out of this, but this man has single handedly fucked up so many programs, i think he deserves a medal of sorts. Don't get me wrong, Daves a cool guy... really he is. But everything about this guy is basicly, trouble. Im not the only person in the world who's had the privilege of dealing with dave, trust me. The man is of legendary stature. However, our scenario begins in an empty bus lot at a festival that shall remain nameless.

    Myself and Tommy Lee were walking back towards our camp, aptly named “Camp Suckit” when we hear the distant whirr of a chopper... naturally, i don't flinch nearly as much as tommy when i hear a chopper, so i didnt really think much of it. Tommy however, had to look up and see what the deal was (yes, its a helicopter).. “I Know that Helicopter” Tommy says,  “Of course you do...” i moaned, my eyes couldnt have rolled back in my head any more. “Dude, that's chopper dave!” ... when tommy lights up like that, and that silly shit eating grin smears across his face, you just KNOW some stupid shit is about to go down. So... he flicks out his blackberry and hammers away on it, as it goes, he's messaging this chopper pilot. Im sorry, but if i was flying a chopper, i don't think i'd have the capacity, or courage to text back... but this is Chopper Dave we're talking about. Lo and behold... Turns out, it is Chopper Dave circling us in the parking lot from miles about. So tommy gets real damn excited now, which scares me more. Now, i couldnt make this up if i tried, but some distance across the empty parking lot / feild... a couple of people can be seen running out of and away from a VW van, which is in flames. Great.

    Now what.... so theres this van on fire, out of fuckin nowhere, and Chopper Dave comes in to the fucking resuce or something... who knows. Chopper lands maybe about 100 feet from this near exploding flame engulfed shaggin wagon... and of course, out pops dave from the chopper, fire extinguisher in hand. Perfect, a selfless act of compassion and heroism. We're actually more awestruck at the fact Dave landed the chopper in our parking lot then some fuckin van about to explode... so we did what came naturally and asked Dave to take us up for a boot around the festival for teh luls. So up we go... this poor vans burning to shit, and were flying around in circles having a fuckin laugh at it from above. Good Times, for now.

    Well, we figure we have to land this shit sometime this year... so, time to set it down there Dave... and preferrably not somewhere where we have to get a cab back to our tourbus. So, hell, let's just land it back beside the now well-taosty van where we took off from. Only difference this time, theres a couple of firetrucks, police cars, about 15 cops, and a whole shitload of festival security swarming around. Im pretty sure it was safe to say that the outlook on this one was not good. So the chopper lands and we slowly climb out... to our surprise, most of the action was focused on the burning van and we've somehow gotten away unnoticed. Well, this wasn't entirely true... a handful of quads with your typical festival security peoples en route soon surrounded us.

    Have you ever seen someone so pissed off that when they shouted, it almost sounded like they were going to cry? I mean really cry, shaking, all red in the face... it wasn't even an intimidating “pissed off” it was more of ... wow, someone catch this guy if he passes out “pissed off”. This was the head of security of this festival. Very professional. In fact, im not even sure what the fuck he was screaming, but at some point during his fit, the message was clear-ish “yyyyyyouuuu cant lllalalala land a helicopter at mumumu-my festival!!!!”. Ah, gotcha... I figure I'm in the clear because, fuck, i didn't land it. Right?  Okay. Awesome, keep walking Joel, get on the bus and just let them figure it out. Of course were again intercepted by the security goon squad with “OKAY!!!! were cutting your bands, you're ejected from the festival” ... seeing as i was kinda headlining the dance tent at the festival that night, i figured they couldn't have been too informed as to what the deal was there.. but hey whatever... I figured it would be best to just play along with it for now and let the powers that be sort it all out later, there's a long night ahead of us no doubt.

    So off come the wristbands, i volunteer first. Security goon whips out a hunting knife probably bigger than his dick and proceeds to flick the band off my wrist. This was an epic moment for me... at that exact moment i was BANISHED! Clear and vivid thoughts of video game prologues from the past flashed before my eyes... i was so... banished. And so was Tommy and his entourage, and more or less everyone else within a vicinity of 40 feet from a helicopter. So, dave pulls a prancealot, hops in his chopper, and off he goes. No harm, no foul. To this day, ill never know why 15 cops and 10 fireman had absolutley no interest in a helicopter that landed mere yards from a scene of a fuckin burning van and all this other crazy shit.

    Ah, what a great story, i thought. But it didnt end here im afraid... as we piled back into our tourbus, lols were had... right up until about the time Paul came back with some grim news. “Youve been pulled from the bill.” He says... Naturally my immediate response was “what the fuck you on about?” but i knew exactly what he was on about... and then i had a bad feeling about the whole ordeal. As it turns out, this guy who works for the event, apparently, and unbeknownst to me, has a SERIOUS problem with Tommy Lee and company. So, Pauls off to calm this promoter down / have a disccusion... and then comes back with even worse news. “I think the only way you're going to be able to play tonight is if Tommy comes off the bus and apologizes to the head promoter.” He says.

    This shit is unreal. If i know one thing about Tommy, it's that Tommy is not a fucking deligate. If anythings going to happen, were going to ask him to do it for my sake, then he'll go out there with the guy... things will get heated, and then without much delay after that, this promoters teeth will very likely end up in the back of his head and we'll all get 20 minutes on TMZ and a free cruiser ride to jail. But, after much on-the-spot training and dicksucking 101, we finally convince tommy to get out there and apologize (or whatever?) So he gets out there, and were eagerly watching from the bus praying for some monumental shit to get thrown down...

    Some hands waived around, everyones looking a little pissed and bothered, all while were giggling like little bitches on the bus... Lo and behold tommy returns with the news. Seems he's managed to talk his way around whatever the fuck the problem was back in the 80's and my agents scrambling around like a retard looking to get us some bands to get us back into the festival. In the end, i did end up playing my set, and it was amazing fun for all of of, and there wasnt a single bad vibe after that..... Im pretty sure this could all have been avoided, in fact, the whole thing COULD have EASILY been avoided.... but i mostly blame dave, who will very likely show up again in my life at some point.